Tzeitel's "Pandemic and BDSM"
by Tzeitel
April 30, 2020
We are all definitely living in strange times these days. On a positive note, this is a global challenge and we can truly say that we are all in it together. However, we have to recognize that everyone responds differently to the effects of a pandemic. You may have a family member or friend who is worried or scared, try to listen to and empathize with them. Others may want to vent their fears or anger at the situation, while others may want to problem solve. Some of us are simply overwhelmed by the whole scenario.
Being quarantined and in self isolation will likely add to the challenge. There is a wide range of responses and everybody reacts differently to stressful situations, one persons normal, will definitely not be another. Same with how we respond in how we support each other during this time.
COVID-19 is probably not the only source of stress in your life right now: some people are missing out on important events in their lives (graduations; weddings; big birthdays etc); losing their jobs; don’t know how to pay rent, buy food, pay for health care premiums; can’t visit elderly parents, loved ones and dear friends; etc. We have a lot going on.
When some people experience too much stress, they may feel a loss of control, excessive worry and other negative emotions. Don’t be hard on yourself if you forget to do something or if you are not feeling better right away. There are strategies each of us can work at to help alleviate the stress in our daily lives, but what can we do as a bdsm community at Roissy Val d’Oise to help each other out?
Sometimes we may be quick to criticize others without making the effort to understand how their situation and experiences are impacting their choices. Yes, it’s easy to lob criticism at others in a time of crisis, particularly those who don’t seem to be taking the situation seriously. Try to remember that everyone copes differently.
We all have our own anxieties, but that doesn't mean we should lose our kindness in the face of a crisis. In addition to boosting social connectedness and increasing helping behaviors, empathizing with others also improves your ability to regulate your emotions during times of stress. Feeling empathy allows you to better manage the anxiety you are experiencing without feeling overwhelmed. Maybe, now is not the time for harsh criticism; demeaning behaviours and punishment. Maybe now is the time to sit down and talk gently, snuggle and help each other relax and find some sense of peacefulness.
In the midst of something that seems overwhelming, helping others can provide a sense of control and empowerment. Empathy and understanding are a critical part of compassion and, more importantly, action. Think of others and look for ways that you can help.
How does all this fit into a community like Roissy? Recent studies devoted to understanding BDSM and its effects on the body and mind have shown surprising results. Not only are researchers failing to find evidence of harm BDSM causes, but they are also discovering it actually has quite a few health benefits.
Oftentimes, the interactions between dominant and submissive are D/s relations. Be they play partners or in a long term relationship. Additionally, there is plenty of room for vanilla interactions and discussion. In the current situation of increased isolation, the need for connection is greater than ever, more palatable, more tangible, even when virtualized. The relative clinginess is increased proportionally. Bdsm scene time is more intense, more personal and potentially harsher as the search to fulfill needs is more urgent than normal. Aftercare becomes more important than ever as the drop is much farther, where each partner can fall into a significantly darker place.
The “real life” restrictions can be significant and even induce more risk than is acceptable. One Domme points out the risks that were at one time associated with scening with people during the HIV epidemic. She asks if demanding time with your sub is risking their health by potentially spreading disease. How do we feel about our most intimate and thrilling moments causing grievous harm or death to those we play with, even those we love.
The vanilla discussions are more important than ever to build or rebuild trust between partners. The D/s play time could easily change as well. We should expect to find both walls and desires where there were none before. A submissive may well not be able to “take” what she once was desperate to enjoy. A dominant may feel a need to push further to increase intensity, all in a subconscious effort to counter the stresses of lockdown. Indeed, these examples may be entirely reversed with the dominant holding back and the sub needing more; the point is more about keeping your finger on the pulse of the scene and the relationship as big changes could be lurking for us all. This will be a moment for shining examples of leadership for dominants in their relationships as they navigate a complex psychological minefield that expresses itself in the wake of SARS-CoV-2 induced stress and depression in their submissives. Equally, the understanding of the sub for both their changing needs and their dominants reaction to this situation will be both important and deeply appreciated.
Research has shown BDSM participants (in a physical scene) enter an altered level of consciousness similar to the meditative state yoga practitioners experience or the marathoner’s “runner's high.” It is commonly known these activities can benefit health by helping lower our levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Participation in BDSM may have the same effects.
A recent article written by a dominatrix on the topic of BDSM during coronavirus made some really interesting observations. Mistress Eva pointed out that since the quarantines and lock downs began she has noticed that her submissives have a “slightly higher need for attention, reassurance, and a sense of protection has come with it.” She also pointed out that those she has a longer and deeper connection with have an increased intensity in their need for support as the events in their lives became elevated.
Empathy is always important, but it is particularly vital during a public health crisis. Practicing empathy during the COVID-19 pandemic not only opens your mind to what others are experiencing, but it can also provide social connectedness that can help combat feelings of isolation. During a large-scale event, it is important to remember that everyone is in this together—think of others, reach out however you can, and remember to ask for help if you need it.
While she now gives her submissives weekly tasks to complete, as their relationships have gone virtual she has found that their regularly scheduled calls are to “mostly talk about our lives and families, we make plans for once these times are settled, sometimes we swap business crisis-management ideas, and occasionally we play to our kinks.”
Mistress Eva points out that so far on this journey that we are all on together, that the experience so far has shown the need for “connection, intimacy, reassurance, and stability prevails, and BDSM and the nature of the power dynamic, seems to provide for this (sic)”.
Without that real life connection, we play in the relatively safe virtual world. But many know this safety can be an illusion. The emotional needs are considerable, as is the damage that can be wrought upon each others’ psyche when in a relationship, particularly with a D/s dynamic. In these virtual interactions, the needs remain and there is a longing to achieve satisfaction. The stress of quarantine, the effects of indoor life, of reduced exercise, of order-in diet, create personality deficits that should not be ignored or overlooked. We should each spend time caring for one another with genuine affection and understanding.
A special thank you to Sir Erik Kesslinger for his support and input in this article.
